Here is the fourth and last installment in this series on Timing Is Everything – Tips & Tools for Getting Timing Right.
90-Day Wonders or The 3 Moon Rule
I learned this tip from a therapist friend years ago when I was in my early twenties. It is one of those tips that really should be a rule for measurement in everyone’s arsenal as it clears the way for the great relationships, jobs and projects to come forward. With this rule I have learned to identify relationships that will work for me and my path and those that are treacherous ground.
It was explained to me this way: Everyone has a story. When you meet someone you must allow time for the real story to come forward because many of us attempt to hide the truth from each other and sometimes we just don’t want to see the truth or we just aren't hearing it. It becomes difficult the longer you know someone for that someone or you to keep up a façade or to hide the real truth from each other. In 3, 30-day cycles the truth almost always is revealed. The relationships that don't make it past 90 days are called "90 Day Wonders."
I have taken a few liberties garnered from life experience to make this rule. The question is, are you willing to see the truth? Is this relationship worth the effort? Is this relationship feeding truth?
When To Use This Rule
This rule is one that tends to linger in the background anytime you meet someone and begin to forge some kind of a connection. It doesn’t have to be a love connection. It can simply be a work connection or social connection as well.
Use this rule when:
- Someone wants or demands a commitment of some kind in an unreasonable amount of time
- You find yourself committing to someone or something without a lot of thinking or planning behind it
- It's too good to be true
- Someone takes the reins right out of your hands
- You feel shamed or manipulated into a relationship
How To Use This Rule
Look for the other person's response when implementing this rule. It is a giveaway as to how they operate and what their needs are. Note when things start to shift, get pushy or out of hand, by using a calendar and making notes about time frame--this is how you track the 90 day time span. Many of these relationships will end in 30 to 60 days. Do they need to know you are doing this? No.
- Use a calendar to mark the points in the relationship. Note in particular the date of meeting so you can time the process.
- Look for signs of violence, manipulation, lying, or betrayal and mark these on the calendar
- Don't be afraid of confronting the other person when they get pushy. Back them off with "this is moving way too fast" and note their response. An accusatory, violent or manipulative response is a sure sign to get out immediately.
- Ask for an objective third party to help you identify what is going on.
Pitfalls and Challenges
- Not all relationships will fit the 90-day rule. There are always exceptions but before you decide to throw out the 90-day rule, get some objective opinions from a third party.
- Just because you meet people through friends, church or other organizations you feel comfortable with, that doesn’t mean you should disregard this rule.
- Learning to trust your instincts takes time and practice. Most of us have been taught to push down, ignore, or ridicule our own feelings and responses so allow yourself time to learn about you through this rule.
- Not every relationship will require you to use this rule. Some just work from day one with no anxiety or trust issues.
The Reward of the 90-Day Rule
Using the 90-day rule can give you insight into the possible issues and rough spots of a relationship. It enables you to identify the issues in a relationship that you just cannot live with and those that you can learn to deal with. It can alert you to trouble.
The first 90 days of a relationship are arguably the most important as they can give you a very clear idea of what is in store. Open discussion between the 2 players can solidify a strong connection or put things into an intelligent perspective.
The plain truth about anything is that if it is suppose to happen it will. Forcing a relationship to work through manipulation or misdirected feelings is a path to disaster. Give yourself the room and time frame to allow this truth to come forward by using the 3-day rule, the 30-day rule and the 90-day rule whenever you feel stifled, crushed or atypically euphoric.
Staying objective is the real trick and these rules can help you master objectivity.
Here's a link to:
Part 1 - Timing Is Everything, Tips & Tools To Get Timing Right
Part 2 - The 3-Day Rule
Part 3 - The 30-Day Rule
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